


To Quantify Attachment

by InsertImaginativeNameHere



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Asexual Vorona, Couch Cuddles, Debt Collector ot3, Fluff, Multi, Polyamory, Secret santa event, cuddlepile, precious bbys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-28
Updated: 2016-12-28
Packaged: 2018-09-12 18:41:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9084964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsertImaginativeNameHere/pseuds/InsertImaginativeNameHere
Summary: Vorona is confused by her feelings toward Shizuo. Tom attempts to help and only complicates matters. Everything ends in a cuddle pile.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [chancellorxofxtrash (PhoebeMurdivine)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhoebeMurdivine/gifts).



> posting here. Originally written for the Durarara!! secret santa. Funfunfun and happiness.   
> eyyyy finally got around to posting this.

Growing up, she had never  _ had _ friends. People were too afraid of her father, and she was always distanced, isolated. At school she would sit at the back, quietly working away while everyone else bickered and fell out and dated, conducted fake weddings and divorces and made one another friendship bracelets, while she worked her way through a copy of The Art of War. She wasn’t teased, she was just...ignored. Once a boy had asked her out as a joke and she had just stared at him until he went away. Then got back to her reading. 

Sometimes she read novels about children her age, she’d read the Famous Five, carefully analysed the plots and broken them down until she could solve the cases by herself. Having three other people to work with seemed an unnecessary complication. The dog wasn’t so bad though. It might be nice to have a dog. She imagined this. She decided she’d name him Dostoevsky. Maybe. Sometimes she considered Tolstoy instead. It depended what she was reading at the time.  Very, very briefly it was Yossarian. Then Odysseus. Eventually she grew out of the idea itself and decided a dog would be too much hassle. 

Not having friends had never bothered her. She had plenty of books. There were more important things than other people.

Like finding out how much force it took to kill them.

Among other things.

She didn’t expect to end up becoming attached to anyone, ever.  Truthfully, because she didn’t know what those feelings felt like, she assumed she wasn’t someone who was capable of feeling them. Other people did. But she never had. It was a logical conclusion given the data she had. She had never had a crush before, so she was, likely as not, somewhere on a spectrum of people who did not experience attraction beyond simple aesthetics. 

That was the data she was working with.

The paradigms shifted slightly after she encountered Shizuo. Though she couldn’t say how. It certainly began as a rivalry in her head, to challenge herself to greater things. Then it became a compulsion to stay around him. She went over it in her head, trying to figure it out. This was outside her realm of expertise. 

Thankfully, Tom was around to help her figure this out. 

“So, you and Shizuo…” he began one day, before they met up with their other colleague. Was it an illusion or did he sound more guarded than usual? Almost protective. Impossible. There was no need for Tom to be protective of someone like Shizuo. Someone who could kick a car down a street and hurl motorbikes overhead. In comparison, Tom was just an average guy, who hit on her in terrible Russian. Why would Tom need to protect Shizuo when Shizuo was the strongest person Vorona had ever met?

Then again, he had known Shizuo a long time. He clearly shared some affection for him outside of work. 

“Question. What about myself and Shizuo-senpai would you like to discuss?” she asked, head tilted in confusion.

Tom laughed nervously, scratching the back of his head. “Y’know, your feelings for him? C’mon, it’s obvious. Whenever we’re working you stare at him constantly, and I know you like showing off your martial arts or whatever it is to try and impress him. You’ve got a thing for him, right?” Vorona stared somewhat blankly. “It’s okay, I get it. He’s a pretty cute guy, got his brother’s movie star looks, not to mention his hair. It’s so fluffy and ridiculous, but he’s too tall for me to mess with it without a stepladder or him bending over and honestly even I wouldn’t wanna push it that far. I mean, I doubt he’d kick off over it but I wouldn’t wanna make him uncomfortable, y’know? And then there’s the whole thing with his strength, he’s pretty much solid muscle. And I hit the gym every once in a while and what do I have to show for it? Aaaaand then there’s the fact he rocks a suit. Like seriously, that bartender look really looks good on him. It’s depressing.” Tom sighed deeply. Wistfully? She couldn’t be sure.

This confusion had taken a somewhat confusing turn. Vorona studied Tom’s expression closely, trying to formulate a response. “Why is it depressing, Tom-san? You yourself are not a bad looking person, yes? Your hair is nice.”

“What- oh, you like my dreads? Thanks.” Tom smiled. “Yeah, I guess. Just hanging around with Shizuo is kinda, like, demoralising. Especially when he smiles. He’s adorable when he smiles. Don’t tell him I said that. That’d just be embarrassing, calling  _ Shizuo _ adorable. And him finding out. Never tell him I said that.”

“Tom-san?”

“Yeah?” 

Vorona took a deep breath. “Do you have a crush on Shizuo-senpai?”

Tom jumped. “What?” He started laughing again, scratching the back of his head. “Ahaha where did you get that idea from? Did...did you misunderstand anything I said? Because I can slow down if that’s the issue.”

“No Tom-san,” she shook her head. “It is my belief that I understand you perfectly. You are jealous of me spending time with Shizuo-senpai.”

“Well I wouldn’t say I was  _ jealous _ really…” Tom trailed off. “Okay. A little bit. Not much. I’m fine, if you wanna ask him out, go ahead.”

Vorona shook her head again. “Negative. You have known Shizuo-senpai longer. You take precedence.”

“That’s not how dating works. Wait, have you ever dated anyone before?”

“Negative. Have never had interest in dating anyone before.”

“Aha!” Tom pointed at her. “So you do want to date Shizuo, then?”

“Did not say that…” she trailed off. “I am uncertain how I feel about Shizuo-senpai. You are certain. I would not want to intrude when you have had feelings for Shizuo-senpai for a long time.”

Tom looked like he was going to argue back but then thought better of it. “Okay. You’re not sure how you feel. Fine. We’ll figure this out for you.”

“I-”

“No no, I insist,” Tom replied. “I’m here for you. Just talk to me, alright? You’re my junior, it’s my responsibility to help you out.”

Vorona was unsure how Tom intended to help with her feelings when he seemed to be ignoring his own, but she said nothing about that. Instead she accepted his offer and agreed to meet up later so they could talk more. He smiled, and his genuine smile lit up his face. It was then Vorona decided that Tom was interesting too, as more than just Shizuo’s best friend. He was interesting. Spending more time around him would be good, to better understand him as well as figure whatever she felt for Shizuo out.

It was around about then that Shizuo showed up so the conversation changed, the three of them easily flowing together as a group. Vorona looked over at Tom and he seemed to be content, laughing and joking naturally, no false front. Now that she knew, his crush should have been obvious. 

And Shizuo seemed...well, relaxed. Around Tom, and actually around Vorona herself, he seemed to relax, that tightly coiled tension dissipating replaced with an innocent sort of cheerfulness. Worlds away from the anger-fuelled man she’d been chased down by, from the unstoppable force people around Ikebukuro feared. 

He seemed calm. For now, at least. 

It was strange, but it felt good to see him so casual, and it caused a strange stirring of emotion Vorona tentatively labelled as guilt to rise up. If he knew it was her that had kidnapped the Awakusu girl, that she’d been the one there that day, she didn’t know what she’d do. What options did she even have?

She continued working with the other two. 

And inside, she could feel herself growing attached. Strangely, inextricably. If you’d asked her to describe how, she’d have been lost for words, a question her encyclopaedic knowledge couldn’t answer.

But she was.

It was strange.

 

-

 

That evening she met Tom and they couldn’t agree where to hang out that someone wouldn’t overhear them, eventually settling on his place, though he reddened slightly when she suggested it and she had to clarify her intent was simply to discuss this conundrum, not anything devious. He’d agreed and they headed back to his apartment after work, Tom crashing on the sofa immediately and exhaling. 

“Why do people even try and argue?” he murmured. “They’re the ones who racked up these debts, they know we’re just doing our job,  _ why _ do they have to argue? It’s just...yeah, go ahead, piss Shizuo off why don’t you, see how well that goes. Oh wow, your wall’s broken? What did you expect? God. Not that Shizuo doesn’t need to ease up, but seriously. Why do people have to be the way they are?”

Vorona shrugged. “People dislike letting go of what they have.”

“True,” he stretched out on the sofa. Vorona took a seat on a chair opposite. “So. What you wanted to talk about?”

She nodded. “You’ve known each other a long time?” She meant it as a statement, it came out as a question.

“Yeah.” Tom smiled grimly. “Since middle school. He was in his first year. I saw him take on a bunch of assholes in my year with a road sign, yelling about how he hates violence. And then decided to befriend that kid.” He smirked. “Sounds crazy when you put it like that, right?”

“Would not like to say.” She hesitated, then added, “But yes. Why did you do this?”

Tom sighed. “Because there’s a scared kid who’s in his first year at middle school and some idiots get big ideas. Everyone’s been there. True, most kids don’t end up sending those jerks to hospital, but it’s all the same really. And besides, as I said at the time, better to be on good terms with the dude who can utterly wreck you, right? I had a year left and a lot of self-preservation. Kinda selfish, I guess. Got to know him, he was a pretty sweet kid, y’know, really appreciated being treated normally. Tried to keep in touch on and off, but it was pretty hard. And then I ran into him by chance a couple of years ago. Boy did puberty treat him well,” Tom chuckled. “That’s just about it. I know I’m his closest friend, I don’t want to ruin that because of how I feel. He deserves someone like you - pretty, kick-ass, incredible. Me, I’m average as hell. Not to mention male.” There was no bitterness in his voice, everything was just matter-of-fact. “You’d be better for him.”

Vorona shook her head, thinking about her history, about what a terrible person she was when compared to Tom, whose compassion  was such that he’d befriended the kid others saw as a monster. 

“Negative, Tom-san. You are a kinder, more understanding person. I am uncertain of my own feelings. It would not be right to take priority over you.”

“What exactly is the problem with your feelings?” Tom asked cautiously. 

“Uncertain,” Vorona replied. “I have never been close to anyone while I was growing up, except my father and he was not affectionate. Shizuo-senpai was lucky to have you and a normal family, even though he himself is so far from normal. I did not have any of this.”

“Wow uh...that’s rough. At least you have us now, right?” Tom gave her a genuine smile. “Right?”

She wanted to say that was part of her confusion; she hadn’t known them that long and they cared about her so openly and so genuinely. Was this a normal thing? It was no wonder she was confused by the potential of a romantic element when the platonic elements of it were so foreign to her.

“In answer to your previous question, I would say I was curious about Shizuo-senpai. Initially wished to better understand him and use this to become stronger.”  _ And to defeat him _ . “However I have begun to feel things I did not anticipate. Calculations were inaccurate. If I am going to progress I must alter my previous assumptions. But I am not sure if I-”  _ If I would ever be able to defeat him. If I even want to.  _ “If my feelings for him are anything more. If the way I am drawn to him is anything more than personal curiosity.”

“Sounds like you have a lot to think over,” Tom remarked. “You ever need anyone to talk things through with, I’m here. We can bond over our hopeless romantic lives.”

Vorona couldn’t help smiling. “Yes. That sounds...very nice. Thank you, Tom-san.”

“No problem,” he replied absently. “Hey, wanna watch a movie? I’ve got a DVD collection over there, if you wanted to have a look. Plenty of martial arts flicks, if you like that kind of thing. Which you do, right? I mean, you’re into martial arts? I think I have one with Traugott in, Shizuo ordered it online and got two copies by mistake. So he gave me the spare. Wanna watch it?”

“That sounds agreeable,” Vorona replied.

They spent the rest of the evening watching the renowned German martial artist face off against various other talents, Tom budging up on the sofa to give Vorona more room, so she could have a better view of the TV.

So that was how she found herself curled up on the sofa when he fell asleep, head resting on her shoulder. She tensed. This was...strange, but not altogether uncomfortable. It was odd. Part of her wanted to touch his hair, see what dreadlocks felt like. She’d never seen anyone with dreadlocks before meeting him. It would be a new experience.

But she decided against it. Instead as soon as the DVD finished, she let his head slide off her, fetched a blanket to drape over him, and left surreptitiously, closing the door quietly behind her. 

The next day at work, neither of them said anything about it.

Only escalating Vorona’s confusion further.

 

-

 

Shizuo noticed this. He noticed the awkward way she acted around Tom now; though of course, Tom himself hadn’t changed and was his usual casual self, which didn’t help at all. Whatever she was feeling, it was confusing. And complicated.

“Is there something going on with you and Tom-san?” he asked one day, while Tom was in the office talking to their boss. 

Vorona jumped fractionally. “Why do you ask such a question?”

He raised his eyebrows. “You serious? You’ve been acting weird around him lately. I’m not the quickest on the uptake but even I noticed that. Did something happen between you?” 

She shook her head. “No,” she said honestly. “Nothing happened.”

“Okay.” Shizuo nodded, seeming to accept this. “Everything okay with you, then?”

“Affirmative.”

He smiled faintly. “Still talking like a textbook. Do you do that in Russian too, or is it just the way you learnt Japanese?”

“It is not exclusive to this language, no.”

“Huh. Thought so.” He reached into his pocket for a cigarette. Vorona thought about the risks involved with smoking, the cancer rates and statistics. How could he - and Tom, now that she thought about it - be so careless with what they put into their bodies?  _ Especially _ Shizuo. How could anyone born with that strength risk it? 

Not that Shizuo seemed to care much about his strength. It was just part of his life, and a part that he didn’t much like, given how he apparently hated violence.

She’d witnessed first-hand how dangerous he could be when you were his target, and he said he hated violence.

It seemed something of a contradiction, for someone to whom violence came so naturally to despise it so much. Surely being so exceptionally strong should have been a positive. There was something she was failing to understand about Shizuo. He really did intrigue her.

“How are you liking working with us anyway?” Shizuo asked, cutting off her train of thoughts abruptly. 

“I- I am enjoying it very much, thank you. It is a pleasure.” 

Again Shizuo smirked. Tom was right, that smile was something precious, something you wanted to see again. One of the most feared individuals in Ikebukuro, yes, but he did have an adorable smile. 

“Well, I’m glad you think so. A lot of people would find it difficult, y’know, the way I go off all the time? It makes finding people who don’t mind hard.” He took a long drag from his cigarette and stared absently into space. “Tom-san in particular is important to me.” The admission was so open and honest, entirely unprompted. “If you’re...I dunno, having feelings for him, that’s all cool. He’s a decent guy. He’ll treat you right. Though,” his lips quirked upward. “You could deal with him no problem if he wasn’t. I don’t blame you for going for him. He’s a genuinely nice person and all, he’s sensible and down-to-earth and…” he trailed off, pretending to study the burning end of his cigarette.  _ And everything I’m not _ , the not-so-hidden implication went unsaid. Shizuo looked up to Tom, genuinely admired him. He had no idea Tom was crushing on him because he couldn’t even imagine that. He looked Vorona in the eye and said, “I’d be happy for both of you,” and he wasn’t lying. But he wasn’t telling the whole truth either.

“Shizuo-senpai?”

“Mm?”

“Which…” Vorona hesitated, weighing up whether or not this line of inquiry was wise, then decided to ask it anyway, “Which one of us would you be jealous of?”

It was Shizuo’s turn to look stunned, cigarette falling from loose fingers. “What do you mean?”

“You say you would be happy for both of us. It’s not untrue, but I believe there is more to it than that, unless I am mistaken. Am I somewhat accurate?”

Shizuo sighed. “I guess. Somewhat. It’s...kinda complicated, if you get me. It’s not so much that I like one of you that way, that there’s a  _ which  _ here. It’s more...well,  _ both of you _ .” He reddened slightly, a blush tinging his cheeks. “I mean, there’s Tom and he’s been there for me for a long time. I...well, he wasn’t my  _ first _ crush but I looked up to him a lot in middle school and  _ then _ he got me this job and he’s such a good person he- I really do care about him. And now you’ve come along, and you’re...well, to put it quite simply, you’re incredible. You are. You know pretty much everything that’s worth knowing. You’ve achieved your skill at fighting through hard work. I can admire that a lot. But...well, I know I can’t have that, both of you. Either of you. People don’t want to date someone like me, someone this unpredictable. I guess it’s just one of these things I gotta live with.”

“Untrue,” Vorona retorted and Shizuo jerked his head to look at her. “Tom-san and I talked the other night. He argued that I would be better suited for you, despite his own feelings. I argued the other way. Tom-san and I...we both have feelings for you, though I am not wholly sure about how to define my own, I know Tom-san does indeed reciprocate your crush on him.”

Shizuo had basically frozen. He looked thoroughly confused and Vorona realised what he’d said about people not wanting to date him, he believed it. “You’re serious?” his voice sounded uncertain, small, even. It was so unfamiliar, all Vorona could do was nod. “Wow. Okay. Does he uh...does he know you’re telling me this?”

Vorona shook her head. “Negative. I am telling you this so you do not talk down about yourself. You are cared about. Very much.”

Silence. Shizuo shifted awkwardly and managed a sort of smile. Without a word he reached out and ruffled Vorona’s hair. “Thanks,” he said eventually.

“It is no probl-”

He interrupted her. “Nah, it’s good. I mean it. You’re a good person, Vorona. I’m glad we met you.”

She swallowed. She knew he wouldn’t think that if he knew the context of their  _ actual _ first encounter. And she couldn’t let him know. If she did, she’d be letting him down. 

She couldn’t let Shizuo down. Not after he’d opened up to her like this. 

Before she could say anything in response to that, Tom emerged from the office, whistling cheerfully and smiling.

“So, cleared that one up. The arcade aren’t pressing charges, they just want to know  _ how _ someone launched one of the claw machines onto the roof. They also asked if we could go get it down so they don’t have to hire a crane or whatever. All in all, could have been worse.” He looked from one to the other. “You two alright? Can we try and have a nice, relaxing day please? Everyone taking it easy and nobody getting wrecked? Alright? I’ll buy us all some Häagen-Dazs if we manage it, that sound good, Shizuo?” Appealing to Shizuo’s sweet tooth as bribery. Vorona wondered if it would actually work.

Shizuo nodded, then turned suddenly and hugged Tom, taking the shorter man by total surprise. 

“Woah, hey there. What’s this about?” He asked, confused. He glanced at Vorona, mouthing something along the lines of ‘you told him, didn’t you?’ She nodded and Tom sighed, resigned, and slowly tried to break the hug, failing because  _ this was Shizuo _ . “Hey, Shizuo buddy, you mind?”

He let go abruptly, backing away. “Sorry Tom-san.”

“It’s fine buddy. Uh, so...about what Vorona said…what exactly did she say?” Tom scratched the back of his head nervously. 

“About you?” It was Shizuo’s turn to look anxious. “That uh...that you like me? As in  _ like _ -like? Is that- that’s right, isn’t it? Right?” His expression became one of actual fear. “Right?”

Tom smiled. “I cannot believe you just asked if I  _ like _ -like you. That’s just...dammit, that’s beyond adorable. Of course I do, Shizuo. Don’t even doubt it. Okay, man?” He placed a hand on Shizuo’s shoulder in that reassuring way he did, and Vorona only realised Shizuo had been shaking when she saw him stop. “We good? Look, it’s honestly fine, you don’t have to pressure yourself into anything-”

Shizuo kissed him abruptly, grabbing onto the collar of his shirt and holding tight for dear life. 

It was sudden and clearly unplanned and it seemed to take Tom by surprise because when Shizuo let go of him and pulled away, Tom was opening and closing his mouth in stunned silence. Meanwhile Shizuo had gone bright red. Vorona stared. She was sure she wasn’t jealous, mostly, but there was this nagging feeling inside, gnawing away at her. 

“Okay so...that happened,” Tom said, seemingly to fill the silence. “You forget we still have a day of work to get through? Not like it’s gonna be awkward or anything, right?” He looked at Shizuo and laughed, patting him on the back. “Good call, man. Good call.” He glanced over at Vorona, almost apologetically. “Oh man, I’m dead. Sorry Vorona. Please don’t kill me. I know you’re thinking it but please don’t.”

She blinked. “I was not thinking anything of the sort.”

“Oh, c’mon you were. You so were.”

“I would not do anything to hurt Tom-san, or ruin his and Shizuo-senpai’s happiness,” she said quietly, looking down at her feet. She felt a hand slip into hers and glanced up to see Shizuo smiling faintly. After a moment, Tom took her other hand, squeezing it gently. 

“Like I said. You’ve got us.”

And she did.

 

-

 

They wound up back at Tom’s place that evening, curled up all together on the sofa in a pile of blankets and hugs, eating Häagen-Dazs. It was the most intimate Vorona had been with anyone. It was surprisingly nice. Shizuo’s hair  _ was _ fun to play with, which she and Tom appreciated greatly. She felt a little weird asking to touch Tom’s hair; he probably got that a lot, but he didn’t seem offended because of course not, this was Tom, this kind of thing didn’t fuss him. Somehow it wound up with Shizuo casually mentioning how cute Tom looked with a ponytail and Tom reluctantly agreeing to demo. 

“I agree with Shizuo-senpai,” Vorona said, very seriously. “That hairstyle is the eighth wonder of the world.”

Tom blushed. “Stop it, guys. Quit messing with me.”

“No messing. I am telling you the honest truth.”  _ For once _ . 

“You guys…” Tom laughed. “You guys are killing me, y’know that? Between you who occasionally trashes half the city, and you with your mysterious Russian past and badass skills, I can’t catch a break, can I?” His tone was light-hearted and joking, one arm around each of them.

“Nope,” Shizuo replied. 

“Negative,” Vorona echoed.

“Glad we settled that,” he murmured, head on Shizuo’s shoulder, drifting off to sleep. Apparently if there was someone else there, Tom was wont to fall asleep on them. It was endearing. Vorona liked that. 

In fact, there was very little she didn’t like about this. 

She was attached. Inextricably so.

That made what was to come all the harder.

 

-

 

Months later, back in Russia, Vorona was alone again. Alone with books, and her father, with whom it was painfully awkward to talk to.

In an attempt to make conversation, he asked about her time in Japan.

She wanted to tell him about the strongest man she’d met, and about one of the best, most decent people in the world. About the two people she cared for the most. Who she missed. More than she ever thought she would have. Before she’d felt that attachment she’d thought she could live without it. 

She missed them.

Instead she said nothing.

And counted down the days until she would be able to go back.


End file.
